Short
Takes from Reader’s Digest
A friend
and I were shopping for dresses for her three-year-old girls to wear to
a wedding. In the store, another girl staring intently at Sarah and Becky asked,
"Are those girls twins?"
"Actually they’re triplets," I explained. "They have a brother at home."
"Wow," she replied. "They sure look like twins to me."
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I was trying to mow the lawn before my husband got home from work, but our electric lawn mower refused to cooperate. It would run fine for a few seconds, then cut off, run again, cut off. Finally, I gave up and waited for my husband. He had a good laugh when he diagnosed the problem. Instead of plugging in the mower using a standard three-prong adapter, I had hooked up the cord through the Christmas-tree light blinker.
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I was on
vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't
sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me," I said to a casino employee.
"How does this work?"
The worker showed me how to insert a
bill, hit the spin button and operate the release handle.
"And where
does the money come out?" I asked.
He smiled and motioned to a far
wall before saying, "Usually the ATM."
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Wanting
to be married, a couple came to the county courthouse in Virginia
where I work. But they accidentally walked up to the offices where hunting
licenses are sold. "We're from out of state," said the prospective
groom. "Can
we get a license?"
The clerk replied, "No, but I can give you a three-day permit."
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My husband and I were hiking in Yosemite. We stopped to look at an ancient sequoia that was twisted and leaning over. Next to us was a man and his daughter. "Daddy, that tree needs an adjustment!" the girl said. We caught the father's eye as he shrugged and said, "I'm a chiropractor."
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I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog call -- guaranteed to work." I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.
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I have
large feet and find it difficult to buy shoes I like in my size. When a
new
shoe shop opened in my town, I decided to give it a try.
Once there, I selected a style and asked the clerk if she could fit me. She disappeared into the back room, came back empty-handed and then explained, "Sorry. We don’t carry your size. We don’t have room."
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When I was
pregnant with my third child, my mother came to help with my two boys, ages four
and six. Mom, who we call Mimi, also cleaned and scrubbed until the whole house
was shining. The smell of her favorite cleaning agents often lingered in the air.
After the baby was born, Mimi returned to her own home.
Two days later
I found some stains on the kitchen counter, so I used bleach to clean them up.
Just then my four-year-old walked in and asked, "Where's Mimi?"
"She went home," I replied. "Don't you remember we took her
to the airport?"
"Then why do I smell her perfume?" he
asked.
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When my sister attempted to buy a 33-cent stamp from a vending machine in the post-office lobby, she encountered two signs. The first one read "This machine takes exact change only." The other said, "No pennies."
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Our friends’
two boys were about to eat with the baby-sitter when the six-year-
old said, "You can’t sit in Daddy’s seat."
"Daddy’s not home," the baby-sitter replied. "Since I’m responsible for you while he’s gone, I can sit here. Today I’m the boss."
The four-year-old quickly piped up, "If you’re the boss, you sit over there." He pointed his fork to his mother’s chair.
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My friend Rhonda was telling me how rushed she was that morning getting her three children off to school. One of them had a field trip, but Rhonda couldn’t find the permission slip anywhere. She finally wrote a note to the teacher explaining she had lost the form but that it was okay for her child to go on the trip. Later Rhonda got a call from the teacher saying the note she had sent was scribbled on the back of the "lost" permission slip.
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While
singing hymns with her adult Sunday school class, my mother worried that
her vocal abilities were lacking. Leaning over to her neighbor, she whispered,
"If
it counts for anything, my daughter has a beautiful voice."
The woman replied, "Oh, it counts for something. I have a daughter with slim hips."
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One
day a boy and his grandparents came to visit the 150-year-old church, a national
landmark, where I was working one summer. As they toured the church, the grandfather
was explaining some of the features, and the boy listened attentively. Then they
reached the confessional in the back.
"I know what this is!"
the boy said excitedly, turning to his grandfather. "This is time out, isn't
it?"
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During
our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally
charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she
told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually not such
a big boob."
The bishop rose to close the session and remarked,
"That's okay. We like big boobs."
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My
three-year-old daughter, Cicely, and I went shopping with my mother. A rather
large woman, Mom sometimes has a tough time finding just the right fit.
When my mother picked out a yellow suit, Cicely went into the dressing room with
her. A moment later Mom asked her how she liked the outfit.
My daughter
replied, "Oh, Nana, you look so pretty -- just like a big yellow school bus!"
The suit stayed in the dressing room.
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Attendance at our church's Wednesday-evening Bible study had been dwindling, so our pastor changed the format to a discussion group based on a Christian-video series. When publicity for the new program went out, the notice read "Wednesday Evening -- Adult Videos."
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I
dropped off my wife at her hairstylist, and she was to phone me when it was time
to pick her up. She got quite a surprise when she called. A male voice said, "Hello,"
so she assumed that she'd reached me. "Come and get me," she said.
"Are you sure?" the man replied. "This is Mitchell's Funeral
Home."